


The Good Kind of Secret

by AlulaSpeaks



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester UST, M/M, Peripheral Mary Winchester, Post-Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 06:43:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8194159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlulaSpeaks/pseuds/AlulaSpeaks
Summary: Sam has a secret that he isn't afraid of. Jody sees right through him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my 12 day countdown to Season 12. 11 days left, folks! You can find me on [tumblr](alulaspeaks.tumblr.com). I'm always happy to chat.

Sam has never heard Dean's laughter sound quite like this before, pleasantly surprised and so open. It overlays Mary's pretend grumbling and Jody's fond exasperation in a perfect harmony.

They've just come off their first hunt with Jody since the Darkness brought Mary back, and it went almost too smoothly. Sam and Dean back in sync, moving in and out of each other's space, and playing off each others strengths with the kind of ease that seems effortless, showing off just a little for Mary. Jody and Mary getting on in a way that's actually sort of terrifying when Sam stops to think about it. Even the tense arrangement they have with the British MOL branch can't dampen Sam's mood.

They're back in the Library planning to throw together a celebratory meal of some kind and Sam feels a little cracked open. Like his chest is all stretched out and warm, taffy-thick with the sweetness of the moment.

Ever since Dean was dragged in front of Sam in that basement, gloriously alive and whole, things have been different for Sam. It was like the confused and complicated feelings Sam has for his brother finally slotted together, leaving Sam with one very clear understanding. He's in love with Dean. The idea of it sliding so simply into Sam's world view that it felt a little bit like waking up. Over the next few weeks, he put in a token effort of trying to talk himself out of it, but it was a stubborn idea and deeply rooted. So he lets himself feel it and he refuses to be afraid of it.

The only problem is that it's so vividly alive inside of Sam, that he's afraid it's shining through all the time. He has to be careful, but that's ok because Dean is here. He's alive and with Sam, and he laughs now. He struts around in his dead-guy robe telling stupid jokes and watching B-rated horror films. He's tentative and careful around Mary, but hopeful, too. It's been a long time since Sam could say this about Dean, but he seems settled in his own skin. It's beautiful to watch. God, he's so beautiful and Sam gets to watch it.

Quietly carrying around this torch for Dean is the least that Sam can do. Hell, it's easy. But loving Dean is always easy, even when Sam wants to wring his neck. This is just one more way he gets to love him, gets to test himself and show his devotion, because if he does this right, Dean never has to know and Sam gets to shelter the flame in his chest. He gets to hold it like a secret, the good kind that sustains, even though it hurts a little. And the way it aches is good, steady and thrumming like a second heartbeat. It ties Sam to the world, and Sam's not about to give up that feeling for anything.

So he's careful. He keeps a lid on it when Dean and Mary are around, keeps just the right amount of fondness in his voice and face. He bitches and complains like he always does, rolls his eyes and teases. He gets to go on as Dean's brother which is all he needs. And he gets moments like this, watching Dean walk out of the Library, laughing, as he follows Mary to the kitchen, Dean's pantry arrangement apparently being incomprehensible and requiring translation. He gets to look at Dean and think _I love you_ like a prayer, the warmth of it filling him up.

“Oh, Sam,” Jody says, soft and surprised from across the table, where she was bemusedly watching the proceedings.

Sam freezes and his heart starts thumping in triple time. He had forgotten Jody, had completely dropped his guard. Sam takes a quick inventory of his face and feels the way his mouth is curved soft, how his eyes are just a little heavy lidded, face tilted up, and knows that it was all showing plain as day.

“You're in love with him.” 

It isn't a question and somehow that's worse. Sam is paralyzed with indecision – does he deny or deflect, is there a graceful way to say yes, I'm in love with my brother – but he must wait a beat too long before responding because Jody breathes out, “shit” just loud enough for Sam to overhear and starts to walk out of the room.

“Wait,” Sam says, shooting up out of his chair and reaching for Jody's wrist. He stops himself before he touches her, afraid that she might shake him off.

Jody looks at where Sam's hand has fallen by his side.

“It's not like that,” Sam tries.

Jody tilts her head, shooting Sam an incredulous look. It's not aggressive though, it's just tired and matter-of-fact in that way Jody has sometimes.

“Like what, Sam?”

“It… it's not dirty.” Sam says, voice cracking a little. “It's wrong, I get that, I do, but I'm not going to do anything about it. Nothing is ever going to come of it. I tried not to, but it's just how it is. And honestly, I'm ok with it. I mean Dean's done everything for me and if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be—” Sam shrugs, unsure how to finish that sentence. Wouldn't be alive, sane, human? All of the above, probably.

“So it's just part of the deal for me. No one was ever supposed to know, and I'll never bring it up again, I swear. But if you need to go, if you need some space, I get it. Just don't cut Dean out, ok? It's not his fault and he can't loose somebody else.” 

Sam looks down at his feet feeling real shame hot in the back of his throat, stinging behind his eyes for even having to say this, but, “And please don't tell him.”

Sam was so sure it wasn't bad, loving Dean like this. Or at least, not evil, but standing here naked in front of Jody afraid to loose her and him both, has Sam wondering if it isn't something monstrous after all. It wouldn't be the first time he's made that mistake.

Jody's boots crack sharply across the floor as she walks closer. For a moment, Sam's surprised by the gentle brush of her fingers against his wrist, leaves his hand hanging there limply. Jody grabs his hand and squeezes a little.

“Ok,” she says, “it's ok. You don't owe me an explanation. With the life you boys have lead, I guess it almost makes a kind of sense. But Sam, you have to know, it's not...” Jody breaks off, looking a little lost.

“Normal? Healthy?” Sam says and Jody nods. Sam flashes her a watery half smile and Jody just pulls him right down into a hug.

She's warm and strong and smells a little bit of grave smoke, and Sam lets himself curl down to press his forehead to her shoulder, weak with relief and gratitude, feeling like he passed some kind of test.

Jody shakes him a little, says “You were being a little obvious there. You'll need to be more careful.”

Sam snorts a laugh, “I can do that.”

“Everything ok out here,” Dean asks gruff. Sam jolts upright in the most suspicious move know to man to see Dean standing in the doorway. He's wiping his hands on a dishtowel, arms tense. 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, everything's fine,” Sam stutters. Dean just raises an eyebrow, crushing the towel into a tight ball.

Jody shakes her head, whispers, “real smooth Sam,” and pushes past Dean to head toward the kitchen, calling back over her shoulder, “You better have found enough food to feed a small army, Winchester, because I'm starved.”

Sam moves to follow her but Dean stops him with a hand to his chest.

“Sammy?” Dean asks. He gives Sam a thorough once over, eyes lingering where his fingers curl against Sam's shirt in a way that makes Sam's whole body flush warm. “Something you want to tell me? You gonna go run off with the Sheriff?”

Sam laughs, “What? No, man, it's not like that and you know it.” Dean nods, still looking unsure so Sam grabs his hand, feels the finest of tremors pass through it. 

“Hey, I'm not going anywhere. I'm fine just where I am.” Sam grins wide, because for once, he really means it.


End file.
